I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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