Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
