he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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