When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
the raccoons are back...
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