I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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