She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
