This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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