she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
