thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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