That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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