K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
