I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
