Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
