careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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