"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I love having hate sex.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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