I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
