Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
