I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
