dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
