I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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