I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
