Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
