allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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