A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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