peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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