I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
