Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
