So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
