ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
