She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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