All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
