Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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