Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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