and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
