it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
