Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
