Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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