He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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