Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
