Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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