Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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