happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
