I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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