I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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