We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
