In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
