I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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