why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
