I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
