Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Of course I have a pirate flag
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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