i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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