I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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